When I sat down to my computer this morning, I did not know that I would be writing this entry. My excitement about TBM Project had dwindled when I realized two things: 1. While I do something everyday that makes me feel beautiful on the inside or out, often times that action is either so small that writing a blog about it seems silly (today I consciously didn’t give the finger to the guy who cut me off and nearly killed me on the freeway, instead I sent him a blessing) or often times, the action I took that day, I have already written about…how many times can I write about teaching S Factor? (Which is still the number 1 thing I do that makes me feel like I’m a rockstar, by the way).
Looking back over the past few months, however, all these ideas are now flooding back to me of episodes in my life that would make a fulfilling blog post. However, I seem to have gotten myself out of a habit of writing and low and behold, I have not written for several months. What is that saying “it takes 40 days to create a habit but only 3 to break it?? Or something? I’m not sure if anyone says that or not, but they should.
What also hasn’t helped me write a blog about feeling beautiful, has been my current state of being. The past month or so, I have been going through a hard time with facing where my life is at the moment. Or rather, the voices in my head (aka my ego) have been giving me a hard time about where my life is and I, though my Soul knows better, have been listening to them. I’m not sure listening is the right word, so much as wallowing in them and steeping myself in their negative and often cruel message about who I am and making it “true”.
This year I will be turning 34 and it is safe to say, that my life doesn’t quite look like what I had thought it would at this age when I was younger. There is no successful acting career, no amazing husband, no huge house with a big back-yard where my dogs can run…no dogs for that matter, and certainly no beautiful children. Instead, I find myself in a holding pattern at the moment with a move to San Francisco on the horizon, not enough money to hire movers, and too many questions about what I want to be when I grow up. And I have been feeling very much alone.
About two weeks ago, I had hit my wall, had a complete break-down about the state of my life and found myself with tears streaming down my face about the fact that I had no one to talk to about this. Except….I did.
I texted my friend Mikey, who is always up late and is also one of my best friends. He was at my house in 20 minutes. He held me as I snotted all over his shoulder about what a waste my life is and what a failure I am.
To which he replied something to the effect of “You are one of the most amazing people I have ever known…I don’t quite know what to say to you about all this.”
The truth is that there was nothing he needed to say….I just needed a friend to be there for me while I listened to all the venom my thoughts were spewing into my consciousness and I, in my pity party for one, decided to make “true”. Ironically, one of those thoughts was that I am alone. I think I even complained about how “alone” I am as my beautiful friend sat across from me, looking at me with nothing but compassion in his eyes.
It’s funny the things that we tell ourselves about who we ”are” and who we are “supposed to be”. That night, I was “alone”, a “failure”, and had “wasted my life.” I’m pretty sure, if someone would have presented me with a bucket of big, fat, juicy worms…I would have considered eating them as my only option. (If you are a person who gets that reference, by the way, I heart you.)
Yes,it is true that I currently do not have as much money in my bank account as I would like or need to feel secure. And it is true that I am not in a committed, loving relationship with the person I’m going to start a family with. It’s true that I am about to uproot my life and move to a new city, where I currently do not have an apartment or a job (with the exception of teaching at the S-Factor in SF, though it is also true that I would not be able to support myself in the fashion that I would like just doing that) Also true I am contemplating a career change which would require me going back to school for another 4 years. But none of those things mean anything about me, other than what meaning I assign to them.
Just because these things are what’s going on in my life today, that doesn’t mean that they will always be this way. It doesn’t mean that the Universe hasn’t heard my order for the life that I wish to create and it isn’t therefore conspiring to help me create it. And in the meantime, it has become very clear to me that I need to ask myself a better question…namely: “What’s great about this?” With this simple question in mind, the brain automatically begins to search for answers to the question. So…here it goes:
Finances. This is an area many people are challenged by, so I’m going to tackle it first.
What’s great about not having enough money to feel secure? First of all, I feel that deep down in my soul…this is temporary. And besides that, I currently am struggling with finances for two reasons. The first is that I’m not working full-time. However, as a result, I have a lot of free time to take care of packing, to go take class myself, to meditate, to spend time with friends…and to write this blog. I’ve recently decreed Tuesdays a beach day, in fact. I may be broke, but damn it, I’m going to bask in the sunshine!
The second reason is that I made choices in my past that were not always smart about how I spend my money. And now I’m paying for it. I have lessons to learn and finances are my teacher. My eyes are opening and I have before me the opportunity to grow and to learn, and my current lack of funds is what is pushing me to become a more responsible adult.
I would also like to say that I am not a victim here. I chose a life where I get to do what I love. I teach dance. I work with an amazing human being with special needs and get to be a part of her loving and wonderful family. I make a difference in the lives of others. And while I have not found a way to support myself in the fashion I would like by doing these things yet, I am very aware that I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness to take a job that I feel sucks the life out of me. I’m not saying that these are my only two options, but what I am saying is that I’m not willing to settle and I’m still finding a way to balance the two.
Relationships: What’s great about not yet being in the committed and loving relationship that I desire?
I am very clear that I am in this position because, again, I am unwilling to settle for a relationship that doesn’t work for what I want in my life. By experiencing what I do not want, I become more clear about what I do want. I have learned to trust my instincts about the people I keep close to me and whether or not we can give each other what the other wants from a partner. I am no longer afraid to talk about what I want or what my needs are out of fear. Also, being single allows me to be selfish with my time, to watch whatever I want on tv and to starfish in my awesome bed…something I often think about as I get in it at night and sprawl all 5’9″ of me across it. When I do share a bed with the man I love, I’m certain there will a time, even if it is only a fleeting thought, when I think “I kinda miss laying diagonally across this thing and not having to worry about hogging the covers”.
Move and Career change: I’m lumping these two together because what’s great about them is the similar:
What’s great about a move and career change? While leaping into the great unknown is scary for most people, I have heard my inner voice telling me it’s time for a change and I listened and have not second guessed it…even when I hoped that I would because that would be easier. I have the excitement of getting to write the next chapter of my life before me. This time however, I am older and wiser than the girl who wrote the Los Angeles-wannabe-actor chapter. Not only that, but I am moving to a place where I get to spend time with my mom, sister, nephew, niece and friends who have known me my whole life…almost anytime I want. No more missing birthdays, Mothers Day, dinners, little league games and night-time storybook readings because I live 400 miles away. Not to mention there is a whole slew of new friends to meet.
There is no TRUTH about my life other than what I decide it is. When I’m going down that shame-spiral, feeling awful, that is a huge clue that I’m asking a question about my life that just doesn’t serve me. As soon as I start to look for what is great about ANYTHING, my perspective shifts and I begin to feel happy and excited again. And given the choice (and we always are) I prefer to create my life from feelings of joy, love, adventure. Because that is who I really Am.