So, here is the post that I have been avoiding since September….or November…or whenever it was that I was aware that my relationship was over. Without going into details so as to protect the privacy of someone I love deeply, but enough to have something to write about as this has been a learning experience I believe to have grown from, my relationship with the man I thought I was going to have children with…is over. Logically, I knew it needed to end since the end of Sept. but it technically ended November 11th. You may notice, not coincidentally, that I have not posted anything during this time in between…it’s like doing so would have made it real.
Sometimes we love people so much that we can pretend that there are things in our lives that we don’t need. We tell ourselves that no one is perfect, that there are other things that make up for the things that don’t work for us, or that maybe we can change…that if we love that someone enough, that we can will ourselves to not want what it is we know deep in our heart we so yearn for.
I have done this on several occasions, ignoring that nagging feeling that I’m not getting what I truly desire. I have recently come to the very real conclusion that I am the master of justifying why I am accepting something in my life that isn’t what I want. In my case, I do so by using “self awareness”. In this last case, I allowed myself to believe that being judgmental was keeping me from accepting love. When, in fact, I had observations about certain things in my mate that just didn’t work for me and yes…sometimes I had judgments about them, and sometimes they were just observations. In either case, they never worked for me and what I wanted for my life.
But I kept hoping that someday I would change…or he would…or that the Beatles were right and all we really needed was love. But it’s so much more complicated than those shaggy haired bastards made it out to be, and so much less complicated than I did. Actually, it’s quite black and white to me now…when two people want very different things in their lives, maybe they are just not meant to be in it for the long haul. Maybe they are meant to be special blessings to each other, guiding us in the direction of our hearts desire, before we have entirely fleshed out what that is. A stepping stone, so to speak.
Looking back at all my past relationships, I can clearly see how each one of them was special to me for many reasons, including allowing me to realize what I do not want, so I more clearly understand what I do want. But instead of accepting this and moving on, for the past year and a half, I have been trying to deny that I wanted what I knew I wanted. I made myself wrong for it, bad, selfish. I thought if I was more ‘spiritually aware’, that I would be able to overlook certain behaviors that didn’t work for me. And in the end, while having learned a lot about myself and facing some very unflattering mirrors, I have come to these two very important conclusions: 1. Always trust that deep knowing within me…I don’t believe it has ever lead me astray. And 2. I deserve to have everything my soul desires.
This does not mean it will always come to me in ways I expect wrapped up in a pretty little bow. I realize I need to allow myself to be open enough to allow the Universe to surprise me, to not need my journey to look a certain way. But, that being said, if my gut is telling me that this isn’t the way? For God’s sakes listen. Just trust. Trust that it’s coming and trust that I will recognize it when it’s in front of me. And in the meantime, love the ones who are placed in my life to lead me to that place that will inevitably come. Forgive them their missteps as I hope they forgive mine. Forgive my missteps as I would a child that I love. Understand that we are all doing the best we know how in the moment, given the tools and level of consciousness we have acquired thus far on our own individual journeys and do not judge the journey of another. And, at the end of the day, bask in the knowing that, ultimately the one person I’m ever really going to end up with…the one staring back at me from the mirror…. despite her foibles, I love her more than anyone else ever will. And that’s all the love I will ever really need.
Much Love and Happy New Year,
Kerry Anne
best post yet! hazzah!